[ Atsushi does his best to try not looking disappointed. He's been... eating there a lot lately. His hand falls from the door, though he was still in his room, his hand flexing without him realizing it. ]
A-ah well they do have pretty good food there, I don't blame you.
[ He laughs softly. ]
Then is there anything I can get you? Perhaps another blanket? Or perhaps you'd like a backrub? You've been working a lot lately.
[ He actually didn't consider anything like that. En seemed so tired, that... it would be selfish to say yes, but on the other hand... he hasn't been able to be close to En in weeks... and that would be pretty darn close. ]
[ He has a creeping feeling that maybe he shouldn't have said that. Or maybe it's surprising for Atsushi to hear En offer to do something for him. It's hard to tell which.... ]
I just thought you might like it for once. You always give them to me, so I thought I'd return the favor.
[ En turns his had to look up at the ceiling instead, hating how indirect he's being. It's cowardly and pathetic. ]
...I don't really feel like myself. More like I'm going through a midlife crisis before I hit 20.... So I'm sorry if I say something stupid. Or weird.
[ Atsushi hesitantly left the doorway to move closer to En. He'd leave if En wanted him to, but... something was wrong, and the two of them couldn't keep dancing around each other like this, could they? ]
I don't think you've said anything weird. A-and... if that offer is still on the table, well it does sound nice.
[ He was flexing his fingers again, like a nervous habit or something. ]
[ He sits up slowly, sitting cross-legged on the bed and running a hand through his hair. It's messier than usual, which is probably something En notes judging by the way his brow furrows a bit. ]
I don't think we're okay. We're trying to be okay, but we're not, and I think it's my fault.
[ it's something that Atsushi had been thinking to himself the past couple weeks. Not the part about it being En's fault, but the fact that even though they said things were okay, this didn't feel okay. None of this felt like they were okay.
He took a deep breath and moved to sit down at the edge of the bed. This was En-chan, he was with, not Kin-chan. He didn't have to panic. En would surely listen to anything he had to say, as he would to him. He takes another deep breath as his hands go to his lap instinctively. He was looking rather messy himself. His clothes were a bit wrinkled and if he actually turned to look at En, he would see the bags under his eyes. ]
[ En shifts closer to him, selfishly resting his head on Atsushi's shoulder. ]
I'm the one making things weird. Even though you didn't need to, you apologized to me. But I've been sulking. I'm not mad at you, and I'm being honest when I say I don't think any of it was your fault. I just... I guess I realized I hadn't been a very good friend lately, and instead of doing what I promised, I've been hiding.
[ The moment that En's head hit Atsushi's shoulder, he immediately melted under the touch. He shifted his hand over, and boldly stealing En's hand to link their fingers together. ]
Dealing with me... and the way I was with that pollen... even if those weren't my real thoughts, what I said was completely hurtful. I wouldn't blame you for needing space after that... Even I... when you were under similar conditions... distanced myself from you. And... I was foolish to think perhaps you did feel those things for a moment. Hiding... it's just something humans do to let their hearts heal a little, right?
But it was different. Or at least, I think it was different. That kotatsu monster just amplified my feelings and made me into the ultimate tsundere. I was angry and possessive and wanted you to chase after me, but not chase after me too much. But you... remembered a different life. You remembered a life where I hadn't supported you, and Kusatsu still ditched you.
And I guess I've been taking that into consideration. You scold me sometimes, but you don't see my flaws or find excuses for them because we're friends. If we weren't friends, you wouldn't stand for someone like me. Right?
Ah... to be fair, in that strange memory place in my mind, I had never actually met you. We were just classmates... I didn't even like curry, which still baffles me.
[ He paused for a moment to squeeze En's hand. ]
But... I think you're too harsh of a judge for yourself. We started off as fresh friends, didn't we? And I had plenty of time to see all of your sides. If I didn't like them, surely I would be trying to awkwardly steer away from them, wouldn't I? I mean... I know I probably spoil you a lot, and sometimes... most times I scold you for silly things like not getting dressed in the clothes I lay out for you, but... it's because I feel so happy and comfortable with you that I can do those things... right?
[ He's silent for a long moment as he takes in Atsushi's words, giving them serious consideration. ]
I... I like that you're honest with me, and I like knowing that you're comfortable to say whatever's on your mind. That's why I hate that we've been walking on eggshells around each other -- and I take responsibility for that because I'm the one who's been hiding away.
[ En lightly squeezes Atsushi's hand in return. And really, En has been hiding away. He's had enough time to pull his things out the closet, but everything's still packed away like it was the day he vacated their apartment so Atsushi would be willing to stay. Maybe he thought if he didn't have his stuff out, it couldn't be a mess. ]
I don't want to be like Kusatsu. Or rather, the way he was, since I know you two have patched things up. I don't want you to be afraid to say something to me, to tell me what's on your mind like you were with him.... I watched you two drift apart, and it was terrible and I was just a spectator.
You're my everything, Atsushi.... If you weren't here with me, I'd never make it. And I know sometimes it's like you're a wife cleaning up after your sloppy, lazy husband, but... ah... I don't really know what I'm trying to say, other than I don't want to lose you.
[ Atsushi nudges En a little with his Elbow. He finally turns his head fully to look at En, a warm smile on his face. His eyes looked wet, but he was really happy in a weird way. He's felt so alone the past couple weeks, even though En was right there, that now that he's actually talking to him, he just feels all the emotions he had overflowing. ]
I don't want to lose you either, En-chan. I-I'm really lost without you.
[ En sits up so he can properly meet Atsushi's gaze, although he kind of wishes he hadn't done that. If Atsushi cries, he's not sure he can handle that. ]
We came here together, and we'll leave together, too. And on top of that, our friendship is precious to me.
[ En gives him a searching look. Sure, maybe he'd been hiding to give his heart time to heal like Atsushi suggested, but even if that was his intention the only thing that happened was both of their hearts getting stabbed with a metaphorical knife. ]
I'm not going to hide anymore. I still... feel like I don't measure up, but hiding's not going to change that. I should take a more direct approach, which means... I think I owe you a massage. We agreed on that, right?
[ That's all it took for Atsushi to let go of En's hand and swiftly wrap his arms around the larger framed boy, hugging him as tightly as he could muster. ]
[ The suddenness of Atsushi's movement takes him by surprise, but he's glad to wrap his arms around Atsushi. En hugs him tightly and with feeling. After all, it's just the two of them in the privacy of their apartment; they don't have to worry about how weird a hug might come off in public. ]
[ Atsushi felt like he hadn't been this close to En in forever. He wanted to soak it in for as long as he could, or until the timer on the curry goes off. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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A-ah, I'm sorry to wake you, En-chan. I-I was just wondering if you were hungry.
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[ It's not like he can say "Oh, no, you didn't wake me." That would probably make things worse. ]
I appreciate it, though.
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A-ah well they do have pretty good food there, I don't blame you.
[ He laughs softly. ]
Then is there anything I can get you? Perhaps another blanket? Or perhaps you'd like a backrub? You've been working a lot lately.
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...I don't think I've been working any more than normal, so it's okay. Maybe some other time.
[ Atsushi's always been willing to do anything for him. Going above and beyond. Always. ]
Do you want one? Ah, a backrub, I mean.
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[ He actually didn't consider anything like that. En seemed so tired, that... it would be selfish to say yes, but on the other hand... he hasn't been able to be close to En in weeks... and that would be pretty darn close. ]
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I just thought you might like it for once. You always give them to me, so I thought I'd return the favor.
[ En turns his had to look up at the ceiling instead, hating how indirect he's being. It's cowardly and pathetic. ]
...I don't really feel like myself. More like I'm going through a midlife crisis before I hit 20.... So I'm sorry if I say something stupid. Or weird.
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I don't think you've said anything weird. A-and... if that offer is still on the table, well it does sound nice.
[ He was flexing his fingers again, like a nervous habit or something. ]
Do you... want to talk about it?
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[ He sits up slowly, sitting cross-legged on the bed and running a hand through his hair. It's messier than usual, which is probably something En notes judging by the way his brow furrows a bit. ]
I don't think we're okay. We're trying to be okay, but we're not, and I think it's my fault.
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He took a deep breath and moved to sit down at the edge of the bed. This was En-chan, he was with, not Kin-chan. He didn't have to panic. En would surely listen to anything he had to say, as he would to him. He takes another deep breath as his hands go to his lap instinctively. He was looking rather messy himself. His clothes were a bit wrinkled and if he actually turned to look at En, he would see the bags under his eyes. ]
Why... do you feel like it's your fault?
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[ En shifts closer to him, selfishly resting his head on Atsushi's shoulder. ]
I'm the one making things weird. Even though you didn't need to, you apologized to me. But I've been sulking. I'm not mad at you, and I'm being honest when I say I don't think any of it was your fault. I just... I guess I realized I hadn't been a very good friend lately, and instead of doing what I promised, I've been hiding.
[ A beat. ]
You look terrible, by the way.
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Dealing with me... and the way I was with that pollen... even if those weren't my real thoughts, what I said was completely hurtful. I wouldn't blame you for needing space after that... Even I... when you were under similar conditions... distanced myself from you. And... I was foolish to think perhaps you did feel those things for a moment. Hiding... it's just something humans do to let their hearts heal a little, right?
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And I guess I've been taking that into consideration. You scold me sometimes, but you don't see my flaws or find excuses for them because we're friends. If we weren't friends, you wouldn't stand for someone like me. Right?
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[ He paused for a moment to squeeze En's hand. ]
But... I think you're too harsh of a judge for yourself. We started off as fresh friends, didn't we? And I had plenty of time to see all of your sides. If I didn't like them, surely I would be trying to awkwardly steer away from them, wouldn't I? I mean... I know I probably spoil you a lot, and sometimes... most times I scold you for silly things like not getting dressed in the clothes I lay out for you, but... it's because I feel so happy and comfortable with you that I can do those things... right?
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I... I like that you're honest with me, and I like knowing that you're comfortable to say whatever's on your mind. That's why I hate that we've been walking on eggshells around each other -- and I take responsibility for that because I'm the one who's been hiding away.
[ En lightly squeezes Atsushi's hand in return. And really, En has been hiding away. He's had enough time to pull his things out the closet, but everything's still packed away like it was the day he vacated their apartment so Atsushi would be willing to stay. Maybe he thought if he didn't have his stuff out, it couldn't be a mess. ]
I don't want to be like Kusatsu. Or rather, the way he was, since I know you two have patched things up. I don't want you to be afraid to say something to me, to tell me what's on your mind like you were with him.... I watched you two drift apart, and it was terrible and I was just a spectator.
You're my everything, Atsushi.... If you weren't here with me, I'd never make it. And I know sometimes it's like you're a wife cleaning up after your sloppy, lazy husband, but... ah... I don't really know what I'm trying to say, other than I don't want to lose you.
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I don't want to lose you either, En-chan. I-I'm really lost without you.
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[ En sits up so he can properly meet Atsushi's gaze, although he kind of wishes he hadn't done that. If Atsushi cries, he's not sure he can handle that. ]
We came here together, and we'll leave together, too. And on top of that, our friendship is precious to me.
[ En gives him a searching look. Sure, maybe he'd been hiding to give his heart time to heal like Atsushi suggested, but even if that was his intention the only thing that happened was both of their hearts getting stabbed with a metaphorical knife. ]
I'm not going to hide anymore. I still... feel like I don't measure up, but hiding's not going to change that. I should take a more direct approach, which means... I think I owe you a massage. We agreed on that, right?
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Ah... but.
[ He glances away, scratching at his cheek sheepishly with his free hand. ]
M-may I be a little selfish first..?
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[ He smiles a small smile in an effort to lighten the mood. ]
And sure, although I think our definitions of "selfish" are different.
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This is going to sound ridiculously silly, but... I'm hoping you won't say no to a hug?
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It's you, so you don't have to ask something like that.
[ A position Atsushi shares with Yumoto... for his calmer hugs, anyway. ]
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...Have you been eating?
[ HE ALWAYS GOES BACK TO THAT. ]
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A-ah? Um...
[ He laughs sheepishly. ]
I have... sort of.
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[ His voice sounds hopeful. ]
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